Neurodivergent and Autism Parent Burnout: Why Are Parents of Neurodivergent Kids Struggling With Burnout?
Understanding and Addressing Parent Burnout in Neurodivergent Families
Neurodivergent families face a lot of obstacles that arise in part from trying to function as “expected” in societies and systems that don’t necessarily work for them and their needs. This may mean that neurodivergent kids such as autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, gifted, or 2e kids are struggling in school or in social relationships; having a hard time managing their sensory needs or impulses; or having difficulty identifying and regulating their emotions. Parents may be straining to support multiple family members with different or conflicting needs; trying to parent their kids in effective ways without sacrificing their child’s wellbeing, and attempting to meet their own needs and keep their own heads above water.
For parents, the push-pull of trying to fit square pegs into the round holes of daily life while not damaging the pegs in the process can be overwhelming and depleting. Moreover, parents of neurodivergent kids are often provided with inadequate information, guidance, and support to help them with these challenges. Input and advice from friends, family members, and even professionals may be misguided and result in parents feeling more misunderstood, isolated, and abandoned in their efforts to support their kids and to have their own needs met as parents and as people.
As a therapist for parents of twice-exceptional (2e), gifted, dyslexic, ADHD, autistic, or otherwise neurodivergent kids, I see a lot of motivated, high-achieving, committed parents really struggling under the pressure of these challenges; and suffering as they watch their kids and their families buckle under the strain. This pressure can ripple out to affect relationships with their child or children as well as with partners or co-parents. The stress can also impact relationships with friends, work performance, physical and mental health, and other areas of functioning. Over time, the influence of these life stressors without adequate support or resources to effectively address them can lead to parent burnout.
What is Parent or Caregiver Burnout?
Parent burnout, also known as caregiver burnout is the experience of feeling overwhelmed, drained, or depleted by parenting demands that chronically exceed parenting capacities or resources. Parents who experience burnout are distinguished by four key features unique to parental burnout including extreme feelings of emotional and physical exhaustion related to their parenting; a loss of fulfillment from their parenting role; and emotional distancing from their children as an often unconscious protective measure aimed at conserving their limited physical and emotional resources. Importantly, parents struggling with burnout also report that these feelings about their role as a mom, dad, or other caregiver are a significant contrast to how they previously felt about being a parent, before reaching a point of burnout.
Parental burnout is not a fleeting frustration or the reaction to a tough parenting day. Burnout represents a chronic experience of overwhelm resulting from an imbalance between parenting demands and the resources available to meet those demands. As the broader research community continues to explore the idea of parental burnout, understanding what might make a parent more vulnerable to burnout is important to support effective prevention and treatment efforts.
How Many Parents Experience Burnout?
Recent research exploring parental burnout, found that approximately 5% of parents across 42 countries met the criteria for parental burnout. When the researchers narrowed their pool to Western countries only, that number rose to 9% of parents reporting symptoms that were significant enough to indicate burnout.
We know, however, that factors that increase parenting demands and that limit access to support resources further increase the likelihood that a parent will experience the chronic overwhelm that can lead to burnout. The impact of this imbalance was seen during the early days of the Covid pandemic when many parents were tasked with added parenting demands such as supporting the schooling of one or more children; meeting the social needs of their children; and supporting their child’s emotional and physical health. These increased demands corresponded with the simultaneous decrease in access to resources for support such as reduced access to child care; limited social outlets; and the unavailability of in-person schools. Under these conditions, self-reports of parent burnout among working parents were as high as 66%, and even higher for working parents of children with greater support needs such as ADHDers and anxious kids, where reports of parental burnout were as high as 77%.
Are Parents of Neurodivergent Kids at Higher Risk for Parental Burnout?
Even without the added pressures of a pandemic, parents of neurodivergent children, such as autistic, twice-exceptional (2e), ADHD, AuDHD, gifted, or PDA kids, often face an overwhelming array of pressures that significantly increase their risk of burnout.
Expectant parents are rarely educated about divergent neurotypes prior to having children and are often only prepared to identify and care for the needs of neurotypical children. Experiences from their own childhood, mainstream parenting advice, and feedback from professionals may emphasize particular parenting approaches better suited for neurotypical kids. However, needs of neurodivergent children may be different from neurotypical kids in many ways.
Parenting approaches that meet the needs of neurotypical kids may exacerbate the struggles of neurodivergent children. For example, parents may try using Time Out to address a tantrum, expecting their child to calm down in isolation, but instead their child’s distress and acting out behavior worsens in Time Out because they experience separation as abandonment, struggle to self-regulate without co-regulation, or are overwhelmed by sensory input they cannot escape from during the time-out. An older child may be given “freedom” to spontaneously decide how they want to spend unscheduled time on a family trip only to experience overwhelming anxiety, shut down, or total decision paralysis when faced with the unexpected and may need more structure, predictability, and time to plan and consider in order to feel secure with a decision about what to do.
When “neurotypical parenting strategies” prove ineffective for their child, moms, dads, or other caregivers can become increasingly confused and desperate to figure out why their approaches are not helping, or what they should do instead. Mothers, fathers, and other caregivers are often left to their own devices and detective work to figure out their child’s unique wiring and needs, as well as how best to meet those needs. The added demands and pressure of understanding their child’s needs and struggles and figuring out how to meet those needs with less available and affirming outside supports contribute to the chronic imbalance that is characteristic of parental burnout, leaving parents of neurodivergent kids at higher risk for burnout.
Why Are Parents of Neurodivergent Kids Struggling with Parental Burnout?
Lack of Information and Support for Parents of Neurodivergent Children
Without proper training and resources to identify and support neurodivergence, parents may struggle to access neurodiversity-affirming and appropriate supports or to identify and implement effective, neuroaffirming strategies at home. This can prolong or even contribute to feelings of chaos and lack of control at home which can exacerbate and prolong the struggles of the child, siblings, and parents. These unmet needs can lead to feelings of ineffectiveness, frustration, and even hopelessness. A lack of helpful guidance and neurodivergent parenting support not only exacerbates parent stress but also makes it difficult for them to help their child thrive, and perpetuates the imbalance between parenting demands and the capacities or resources to meet those demands. The combination of being underprepared and overburdened can quickly lead to burnout, as parents feel they are constantly failing to meet both their own expectations and those of their children.
Emotional Labor and Chronic Parental Stress
Even once parents figure out how to better support the needs of their neurodivergent child, parents of neurodivergent kids are still left navigating a world that frequently lacks understanding and support for neurodivergent individuals. As a result, these parents must become relentless advocates for their children's needs. This involves constant engagement with educational systems that are often ill-equipped to provide appropriate accommodations; negotiating with healthcare providers who may not fully grasp the complexities of neurodivergence; trying to plan for their child’s future well into adulthood with limited supports and freedoms; and trying to fill in the gaps with their own supportive efforts. The emotional toll of these persistent battles, coupled with the lack of adequate resources and community support, can lead to profound exhaustion and stress for parents.
Neurodivergence and Social Isolation
Societal stigmas and misconceptions about neurodivergence often result in a lack of understanding, empathy, and support from the broader community. Parents may face judgment and misunderstanding from others, including friends, family, and even professionals. Many parents of neurodivergent kids report that they do not receive enough practical or emotional support from extended family, friends, or the broader community.
Parents who have done the work to better understand and affirm their child’s divergent neurotype, as well as their individual capacities and support needs, may have a difficult time relating to parents who have different expectations and experiences. They may even find that interactions with parents of neurodivergent kids who do not understand their parenting experiences or challenges leave them feeling more marginalized and less supported. This lack of external support and understanding can intensify feelings of isolation and contribute to burnout, as parents feel alone in the battles that they are fighting, and often internalize shame or anger about their parenting struggles.
Neurodivergent Parents and Unmet Parent Support Needs
Another factor that may contribute to parental burnout for parents of neurodivergent kids is a parent’s own neurotype and related support needs. Research indicates that there is a significant genetic component to one’s neurotype. This suggests that many families with a neurodivergent child also have other family members who are neurodivergent, including parents.
Parents may have an identified neurodivergence or may not have had their neurotype well understood or supported. They may find that their sensory needs, social comfort or capacities, interests, learning style, physical capabilities, or other ways of relating to the world are at odds with the needs and capacities of other family members, and with the demands that are placed on them in their parenting role through the challenges outlined above. As a result of this mismatch, a parent may be trying to support the needs of their autistic, ADHD, PDA, AuDHD, or otherwise neurodivergent child while the parent’s own needs may be inadequately supported.
For example, an ADHD parent might be challenged by the executive functioning demands of getting themselves and their children up and ready for school on time, consistently planning and preparing for meals, scheduling and managing appointments, and staying on top of school requirements. Attempting to manage these tasks for a child who struggles with them and who has greater need for support in these areas can add to parenting stress when these tasks feel overwhelming, impossible, or fall through the cracks. An autistic parent with sensory sensitivities to noise, touch, or movement might feel overwhelmed, have a need to withdraw, or have meltdowns in response to their child’s or children’s needs for stimulation, physical connection, or regulation support; possibly contributing to feelings of parental guilt or shame and further stress. Trying to meet the needs of their neurodivergent child in the face of inadequate accommodations or support for their own needs as a neurodivergent parent can further contribute to the imbalance between demands and resources that drives neurodivergent parent burnout.
How to Support Parents of Neurodivergent Children and Heal Mommy Burnout or Dad Burnout
Addressing and healing parent burnout in neurodivergent families starts with recognizing the key challenges these parents face, including inadequate education and support to meet their child’s needs; high demands for emotional labor and advocacy; and social isolation and marginalization. Establishing strong, knowledgeable, support systems and encouraging parents to seek professional help from neurodiversity-affirming therapists and other professionals for themselves and their children can greatly alleviate the stress and exhaustion associated with their parenting role. By identifying and shifting the imbalance between parenting demands and access to needed resources, parents of neurodivergent kids can greatly reduce their risk for burnout and heal from the stress and trauma of burnout experiences.
Taking proactive steps is crucial for parents of neurodivergent kids to manage and prevent burnout. Understanding their own support needs, reflecting on their values, practicing self-compassion, and connecting with others who understand their experiences can provide much-needed relief and encouragement.
Online Learning and Support for Parents of Neurodivergent Kids Struggling with Parent Burnout
If one-on-one therapy isn’t accessible for you at the moment, or if you're currently in therapy but are looking for additional resources to support preventing and healing neurodivergent parent burnout, consider enrolling in my online classes for parents of neurodivergent kids. The Neurodivergent and Autistic Parent Burnout course is designed to help neurodivergent parents and parents of neurodivergent kids access affirming support, address burnout, and build skills to and effectively support themselves so that they can parent more effectively and in greater alignment with their values and needs. By strengthening and supporting themselves and centering their values, parents can take steps to create a parenting relationship that works better and feels better for them and for their neurodivergent children or children with higher support needs. The on-demand course allows learning at a time and pace that works for you and is structured to support many different learning styles.
Therapy Support for Parents of Neurodivergent Kids Battling Parental Burnout
If you are a parent or caregiver of a neurodivergent child or a kid with higher support needs who is looking for affirming therapy support, I may be able to help you as well. At Shore Therapy, I offer specialized neurodiversity-affirming support to help you manage and heal from overwhelming or traumatic experiences related to your experiences as a parent in an often unaccommodating society, or in combination with your own childhood or identity-development experiences. Therapy can be a powerful tool to address the anxiety, stress, burnout, and trauma you may be experiencing. I also provide support for those who have felt unseen, misunderstood, or marginalized by various systems and institutions.
Shore Therapy is dedicated to offering a compassionate, non-judgmental space where you can explore and process with expert guidance and support. I provide high-quality, transformative therapy aimed at fostering growth and healing. If you're ready to take the first step towards better mental health and well-being, contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation to discuss your therapeutic needs. I specialize in therapy for parents of children with high support needs who are struggling with caregiver burnout, as well as affirmative therapy for marginalized populations including LGBTQ and neurodivergent individuals. My services also include trauma and PTSD therapy, EMDR therapy with an EMDR certified therapist including EMDR for burnout and other stress or trauma, and EMDR therapy online.
Therapy is available at the Shore Therapy office in Evanston, conveniently located near Chicago, Wilmette, and the North Shore. I also offer online therapy to clients in over 40 states across the United States as a PSYPACT therapist. For more information about my training and experience, and to take the next step towards healing, reach out today.
